Okay, this is a really predictable and common thing to do, but I stumbled across a couple of headlines that got a reaction out of me and I wish to vent my spleen. So sue me.
First up:
Magna Carta fetches $21.3 million at Sotheby's auction
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071219/od_nm/magnacarta_odd_dc;_ylt=Am3teGnaW4mICPC0IWrOh9wSH9EA
The link will show you the offending article. My alternative headline is:
David Rubenstein strikes vital blow for irony
The guy who paid $21.3 million is a lawyer AND the founder of the Carlyle Group. He must have a second asshole because one surely wouldn't be enough to get rid of all the shit he's full of. (Important aside: Reuters, the source of the story, refers to the Carlyle Group as a private equities firm rather than a highly controversial and fundamentally evil conglomerate of greedy fucks digging their claws into all the filth that corporate globalism can produce - *cough cough*...Sorry about that.)
As for the irony of which I speak, let's get ready to peel the onion.
First off, he says he bought it to keep it in the U.S. Later on he also brainfarts the beautiful platitude that you can't "put a price on freedom". THE GUY FOUNDED THE CARLYLE GROUP. Also, since when is the U.S. the home of freedom? The Magna Carta is British and pretty much the only decent thing the Brits produced between the Bayeaux Tapestry and the Beatles. The modern equivalents are Tracey Emin's bed and Coldplay. They don't produce good stuff that often. Let the poor fuckers keep it.
Secondly, he bought the fucking thing for $21.3 million. Personally, I don't know what the price of freedom is but you sure as hell don't need $21.3 million, that's for fucking sure. Rubenstein should be hounded through the streets in only tighty-whities and beaten with sticks. Sharp ones.
Third and last, in any just society David Rubenstein would be in prison or dead, not a millionaire. When asked for his thoughts, the grand douchebag replied "it's a good day for our country". Where does this fuckpipe get off declaring himself one with a nation that given the chance would rip off his pants and fist his cherry ass? As a founder of one of the most singularly wrong institutions on the planet, as a lawyer, as a rich fuck, as a failed human, Rubenstein deserves nothing but scorn and derision. When he's buying shares in arms firms or chemical weapons firms, does he think about what's good for "our country"? When he's teaming up with Bush and Bin Laden to rape, pillage and profit from the hard-working people who wave their flags with dull eyes, does he think it's good for "our country"?
Argh. Next article...
Amsterdam to clean up "Red Light" district
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071217/od_nm/dutch_prostitution1_dc;_ylt=Avk08n.ZzU71TUyhMdWEuXwSH9EA
Okay, to begin with the quotations are in the wrong fucking place. It should read Amsterdam to "clean up" Red Light District. I will explain the reasons for the grammatical anality below.
People flock from all over the world to legally fuck hot chicks in a place where nobody will judge them. Where prices are competitive. Where diseases are rare. Where the smell of marijuana is stronger than gasoline and B.O. Where is this magical place I hear you cry? Why Amsterdam of course you silly goose. What sparked the sudden U-turn on the world's oldest profession in what some say is the world's oldest sleaze mill? Clues beneath.
The deputy mayor of Amsterdam explained that the hookers "will be replaced by chic apartments, upmarket shops, galleries and high-quality hotels and restaurants...adding that young fashion designers already plan to display their clothes in the windows of one former brothel from January."
Aaaaahh. It all becomes clear. Pricey hotels, luxury flats, arthouse wankathons - these things make more money than hookers and because they're not cash businesses they pay more taxes. Oh, and they claim it will eradicate organised crime. Here in London we have tons of hookers, not officially legalised, and the crooks run things. Then again, if you look down the map about a mile, you'll see Parliament Square, where crooks also run things. Oh relativity, you are a wonderful theory.
So why do I take issue with this article? Well, I think that replacing a nice and seedy neighbourhood where chicks can put out willingly for cash with a stack of more cookie cutter apartments, hotels and artsy bullshit is a bad move. The world has enough poncey crap like that and frankly, so does Amsterdam. When I've been to Amsterdam, I didn't walk around wishing there were more galleries. I wanted MORE windows with MORE, HOTTER chicks in them. They should take the development money and get all the ugly girls fixed. That's my vote.
Also, since when is importing all this yuppie guff a "clean up"? I think it's far cleaner when everyone knows who's fucking who and for how much. Once the suits move in, you never know where the next dick is coming from or which hole it's going into. So by way of explanation, that is why I suggested moving the inverted commas from Red Light to clean up.
One more thing. With the current global hard-on for re-branding, what the fuck are they going to call the Red Light District once they "clean up"? They can't call it the Red Light District. Too much nostalgia. I reckon they'll change the name to "Red". Short, classy, the PR writes itself.
What makes me wonder is whether the horror of the situation is that they'll be fucking with such a winning formula or that in fifty years our grandkids won't have any idea what a red light district is. I always viewed the relationship a man has with a hooker as the most honest relationship he will ever have. Everyone knows what the other one wants and how much it's worth. We are entering murky waters, my friends. Murky indeed. What's next? Are they going to invade Peckham and paint all the black people white? You heard it here first.
Well folks, that's what got my blood up today. Join me next time for a touching expose on why my wife won't give me anal.
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